How does it feel to grow up without a father? Some says it doesn't matter as long as you have your mom and family to support you. The questions would be, would you be sad, angry, regretful or thankful about it? Does it affect you and your perspective in life? What's the effect of this, emotionally and socially?
I grew up without my Dad beside me... At first it was okay. I grew up without anger and hatred within cause my mom taught me at early stage about the situation and it seems like I have no choice but to face it and accept it. As they always ask me why my parents aren't together or why is my father not with me, I always have these memorized lines as my answer but sometimes I wonder, was it all true? Am I fooling them or myself? There were times when I imagined him coming back for us. I imagined him being with us like how normal family would be. Sometimes I wish even just a dance with him for my 18th birthday or a simple show up for awhile. Then that's where all my feelings and thoughts about my dad grew.
When I started to date and have relationships, I thought twas normal to be cautious and to build walls. But with me, it seems severe. I had these constant doubts and pushing away syndrome where when I'm about to be vulnerable, almost feeling something deep for someone, I tend to push that person away. Was it a part of being cautious? My trust issues? Too scared to get hurt? The answer to every question, all YES!
I thought twas okay and I shall overcome these issues eventually but as I grow more mature and older, I realized that there's a deeper explanation for this. I was scared of being left, AGAIN... Scared that someone might not find me worthy of anything so it would be easy for them to leave me like my Dad did. It was unfair for me, that's what I felt. Unfair that I was left with this trauma and trust issues. No matter how I try to be strong and take risks, to avoid pushing people who love me away, to let them pass my walls, it's still hard. It's hard knowing that someone anytime might leave, can leave. People come and go and it sucks that you have no control over them. That's where I understood my fears.
How do I expect that someone can love me and will never leave me if the only man I thought would never do it left me when I'm still not done needing him? How do I trust someone that he will never hurt me if my own father hurt me in ways he's not even aware of? How do I let someone get through my walls and allow myself to be vulnerable for someone if my own father is the cause of everything? I got through everything with the help of my step grandfather who stood up as my dad for years, and with such strong faith, I know I'm God's Princess too. I believe that he placed me in this situation cause I am strong enough to get through this. He never left me and with that I'll be forever grateful. I felt loved and valued. I was never fatherless.
Loving a girl without a real father can be tiring. Constant reassurances, effort, and patience. A lot of patience, indeed. It's hard for me to give a chance but I know someone is worthy of it. Loving this kind of girl can be a tough job but know that she's worth it. She will give you her all once you proved her that you're not gonna leave her. Once you made her believe that you're not gonna be like other guys who left her, she'll love you for the rest of her life. She's strong and it will make you respect her even more cause you know how much pain she's gone through. She longs for that kind of love, she longs to be taken care of, and she longs for everything his dad must have done for her as her father.
I know someone is meant for me and that someone will never leave me. Someone will know my worth and will do everything to make me believe that he'll never be like my Dad. He will promise me that every time I'll need him, he'll be there and even if I'll push him away he'll still be there. For me, it's enough. I don't need money, someone as handsome as Zac Efron and has a nice car. I just need someone who will truly love me and will never leave me. Someone who will make me his Princess and his Queen someday. ❤️
~Z♥
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